So California's love returned from Europe. Apparently he lost his phone while on vacation and had been trying to call her from his work phone, but she didn't answer any of his calls. His return has been with surprising little fanfare. She's seen him a couple of times but didn't really say anything about it. When pressed, she told me they're trying to work things out.
Work things out like two different value systems.
So whether they work things out or not really isn't my concern. I'm much more concerned about my roommate who has no idea who she is, what she believes, or what she wants at the moment. She is so lost and just takes in everything this guy tells her. Really, she's not ready for a relationship, but that's for her to discover and decide and hopefully it'll be relatively painless for her.
But I've learned from her:
1. Never be in a relationship where you can't speak your mind: this doesn't mean you have to agree, this doesn't mean pick a fight. But if you don't feel comfortable disagreeing or saying what you feel, it's not healthy.
2. Don't be more emotionally invested than your partner: early on this may not apply as much, one person may fall in love faster than the other. But after a while if you're utterly distraught that he isn't calling and he only calls every four days, than maybe he doesn't care as much. If talking to you after he hasn't seen you for a month isn't a priority, he's just not that into you.
3. If you don't respect yourself no one will: you really can't expect other to love a person you don't like. Some will despite you, but when you continuously present yourself as unworthy, others will believe you. You can't expect others to not bully you or try to change you when you advertise you want to be changed. Healthy relationships with yourself are just as important as healthy relationships with others.
4. If he won't let you listen to your music, he doesn't love you. And yes, you would to pretend to like rap music just cause he does. Cause I've been playing it for months and you never liked it.
I've also learned that I will always be single cause no one will love me as much as my Mommy.
3.26.2009
3.23.2009
Obsession
When I bought my white grown up shoes I spotted this adorable pair of navy ballet flats (navy's a reoccuring theme in my life). They're so preppy cute and would be great work shoes (or trecking around New England shoes). I didn't buy them because I was already buying another pair of shoes and a swimsuit and cause Fashionista told me they weren't worth my $30. But my current pair of all purpose flats are about to kick the bucket, they're only $30, they're cute, I obsess over them and they match my bag!
Stay tuned to see how this story turns out...
Stay tuned to see how this story turns out...
3.22.2009
Things I Hate About Mormons #1
They be all up in my biznesssss
But seriously. I know I've complained about the older generation before, but they're old. They're busy bodies. Their lives suck so they have to live vicariously through mine. I GET IT. But the my generation needs to get a grip too.
There is nothing I dislike more than people asking me why I'm single and if I'm interested in anyone. Why am I single? I'm single cause none of these boys want to date me. Thanks for rubbing it in. If someone's interested, they need to get to and ask me out. I will let them know, in my own subtle ways, whether they have a chance...over dinner (speaking of which, I think I shook off Sadie Hawkins boy, which is sad cause I could use a free meal). And who I'm interested in? Today a girl asked me, point blank, if there was anyone I was interested. Uhh yeah, person I'm not good friends with. Let me list it for you. And I've chased boys. I chased one hard, feel flat on my face, and didn't really fully get over it till late last year. I haven't chased quite like that again, but I've done the dance of going over to his place, being at the same events, talking to him all the time, meeting his family members, and all to no avail.
The worst part about all of this is it pins my single status on me. Somehow I'm doing something wrong. Yeah, I've shot down a few boys. But as I've made it clear, I'm not gonna settle. But I was nice and we had good dates. I do everything I can to be fun, cute and interesting and it goes largely unappreciated. I've only truly messed up one chance at a relationship, but I was 18 and not really ready for it so I'm fine with that. Since then I've been doing my best, so really no, it's not my fault. Yes I want to be married. But I'm not gonna act like some dumb girl and totally massage some guy's ego just for one date. I can buy my own dinner.
So suck it singles ward. Suck it hard and suck it long.
But seriously. I know I've complained about the older generation before, but they're old. They're busy bodies. Their lives suck so they have to live vicariously through mine. I GET IT. But the my generation needs to get a grip too.
There is nothing I dislike more than people asking me why I'm single and if I'm interested in anyone. Why am I single? I'm single cause none of these boys want to date me. Thanks for rubbing it in. If someone's interested, they need to get to and ask me out. I will let them know, in my own subtle ways, whether they have a chance...over dinner (speaking of which, I think I shook off Sadie Hawkins boy, which is sad cause I could use a free meal). And who I'm interested in? Today a girl asked me, point blank, if there was anyone I was interested. Uhh yeah, person I'm not good friends with. Let me list it for you. And I've chased boys. I chased one hard, feel flat on my face, and didn't really fully get over it till late last year. I haven't chased quite like that again, but I've done the dance of going over to his place, being at the same events, talking to him all the time, meeting his family members, and all to no avail.
The worst part about all of this is it pins my single status on me. Somehow I'm doing something wrong. Yeah, I've shot down a few boys. But as I've made it clear, I'm not gonna settle. But I was nice and we had good dates. I do everything I can to be fun, cute and interesting and it goes largely unappreciated. I've only truly messed up one chance at a relationship, but I was 18 and not really ready for it so I'm fine with that. Since then I've been doing my best, so really no, it's not my fault. Yes I want to be married. But I'm not gonna act like some dumb girl and totally massage some guy's ego just for one date. I can buy my own dinner.
So suck it singles ward. Suck it hard and suck it long.
3.20.2009
I still win
In high school, I knew this guy. We'll call him Annoying Andy. Though Patronizing Phil or Self Righteous Sam would also be good nicknames. And this kid seriously annoyed the crap out of me. He was a nice guyish I guess, meaning not a total creep, but he was a know it all, tactless, not cute, condescending, and really just kind of a jerk. And for some reason, the stud of the young women.
EVERYONE had a crush on this guy. I didn't get it. I could barely handle the guy on the 5 minute drive from seminary to school. And I'm not exactly a shrinking violet and I would tell him off constantly and then walk off in a huff. Which for some weird reason, everyone took to mean I must like him too. Part of that "if they tease you they like you!" crap grown ups feed us when we're little. People honestly thought I had a crush on him, including him, and I honestly couldn't care if he was blasted from the face of the planet. Now he did like me. Not to be all hot on myself, but I know he had a crush on me for a while (he likes rude girls?) which accumulated in the worst date of my life to his choir banquet. Every now and then though, he wouldn't be obnoxious and I'd get it. I got why the other girls liked him, cause there was the inner workings of a great guy under his teenage exterior. But those glimpses were rare so 99% of the time I hated him.
So Sam or whatever I nicknamed him went to BYU (of course) and I went to my real school and his parents moved so our interactions since have been sparse. But we did see each other at a crawfish boil the summer after our first year and he wasn't that bad! Like, it was actually enjoyable to be around him. We had a great time! But he was still Andy/Phil/Sam so in no way did I develop an insta-crush. But I did start to consider him a friend. Then he went on his mission to Siberia(literally) and because his parents weren't in my home ward anymore, I haven't seen him since.
So, the point of this nostalgia is this past weekend he got engaged. I know nothing about his fiance, and found out the happy news while facebook stalking. Now, when a girl I don't like gets engaged, I gain ten pounds. When a boy I used to date or seriously liked gets engaged, I watch Moulin Rouge. But then there's the category of boys that you have semi-history with but no attachments. And when you see them get engaged, fresh off the mish, to girls who are not as cute as you, it's a mixed bag. Sure they're engaged and I'm not. But there's more than a little bit of satisfaction. But it makes me so glad that even in high school I didn't settle. This girl is getting what she wants. But I'm sticking it out for the long run.
EVERYONE had a crush on this guy. I didn't get it. I could barely handle the guy on the 5 minute drive from seminary to school. And I'm not exactly a shrinking violet and I would tell him off constantly and then walk off in a huff. Which for some weird reason, everyone took to mean I must like him too. Part of that "if they tease you they like you!" crap grown ups feed us when we're little. People honestly thought I had a crush on him, including him, and I honestly couldn't care if he was blasted from the face of the planet. Now he did like me. Not to be all hot on myself, but I know he had a crush on me for a while (he likes rude girls?) which accumulated in the worst date of my life to his choir banquet. Every now and then though, he wouldn't be obnoxious and I'd get it. I got why the other girls liked him, cause there was the inner workings of a great guy under his teenage exterior. But those glimpses were rare so 99% of the time I hated him.
So Sam or whatever I nicknamed him went to BYU (of course) and I went to my real school and his parents moved so our interactions since have been sparse. But we did see each other at a crawfish boil the summer after our first year and he wasn't that bad! Like, it was actually enjoyable to be around him. We had a great time! But he was still Andy/Phil/Sam so in no way did I develop an insta-crush. But I did start to consider him a friend. Then he went on his mission to Siberia(literally) and because his parents weren't in my home ward anymore, I haven't seen him since.
So, the point of this nostalgia is this past weekend he got engaged. I know nothing about his fiance, and found out the happy news while facebook stalking. Now, when a girl I don't like gets engaged, I gain ten pounds. When a boy I used to date or seriously liked gets engaged, I watch Moulin Rouge. But then there's the category of boys that you have semi-history with but no attachments. And when you see them get engaged, fresh off the mish, to girls who are not as cute as you, it's a mixed bag. Sure they're engaged and I'm not. But there's more than a little bit of satisfaction. But it makes me so glad that even in high school I didn't settle. This girl is getting what she wants. But I'm sticking it out for the long run.
3.16.2009
Almost Ivy
I was never really one for higher education, or education in general. But it's always been expected and encouraged of me. So I got into a really good college and just loved it. My classes were interesting, I liked the higher thinking expected of me, and really thrived in college like I never had before. So afterwards I really started to think about graduate school, something I never really considered before. I found a program I loved, but it's a super exclusive Ivy League university and my chances of getting in were slim to none. But my mother encouraged me to visit the campus and I really liked the vibe of the city and the school. I had an interview and the night before was reading the profile of the students there and almost had an anxiety attack. The admitted class of 2009 included a doctor changing careers, a founder of a non profit group for children, an Ivy League professor and so on with impressive accolades I was nowhere near having. I was so discouraging because I really felt like this program as perfect for me, I just didn't have the resume. But I applied anyway and this week I got the decision. Sorta.
I've been waitlisted.
I've know some people who have been waitlisted before and they acted like it was the end of their world. It's probably one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. The letter said that I had been identified as a student they wanted to admit, but didn't have room for. A friend of mine explained that a lot of grad schools are accepting a lot less this year because of the economy, so I probably would have been accepted otherwise. I just can't believe they want me, even with my lack of accomplishments. And getting in would be a nice way to be a little smug to those married 20 year olds. And 50 year olds who wonder why I'm not a married 20 year old.
The only thing that keeps me from wallowing in self pity over my unwilling single status is I'm pretty happy with my life. And with what I've accomplished. I would have been perfectly fine with having a baby at 19 then, but now I look at Teen Bride with a mix of disgust and pity. I will have kids someday, she won't have a college degree. And getting into this school would a) be a big accomplishment for me and b) would vindicate me a bit to the older generation. It's a little sad how much I want to defend myself to them. They never say anything, you can just tell in the way they talk to me and the questions they ask that they're starting to wonder if I'll ever get married. Screw you. I'm going Ivy.
I've been waitlisted.
I've know some people who have been waitlisted before and they acted like it was the end of their world. It's probably one of the biggest accomplishments of my life. The letter said that I had been identified as a student they wanted to admit, but didn't have room for. A friend of mine explained that a lot of grad schools are accepting a lot less this year because of the economy, so I probably would have been accepted otherwise. I just can't believe they want me, even with my lack of accomplishments. And getting in would be a nice way to be a little smug to those married 20 year olds. And 50 year olds who wonder why I'm not a married 20 year old.
The only thing that keeps me from wallowing in self pity over my unwilling single status is I'm pretty happy with my life. And with what I've accomplished. I would have been perfectly fine with having a baby at 19 then, but now I look at Teen Bride with a mix of disgust and pity. I will have kids someday, she won't have a college degree. And getting into this school would a) be a big accomplishment for me and b) would vindicate me a bit to the older generation. It's a little sad how much I want to defend myself to them. They never say anything, you can just tell in the way they talk to me and the questions they ask that they're starting to wonder if I'll ever get married. Screw you. I'm going Ivy.
3.11.2009
The only thing good in my life is my bag
About a year ago I decided I was going to start saving up so I could have a super fabulous designer handbag for my entry into adulthood. I decided I wanted just a black, stable bag that I could wear with everything for a couple of years. I looked around and fell in love with a leather Michael Kors tote. No, MK isn't a bag company, but I love Micheal, I'm not a Coach fan and bags like Louis Vuitton and Prada are far out of my price range. Plus with MK I got to feed my outlet shopping addiction. So after a year of saving (helped along with birthday and Christmas checks from the grandparents) and a particularly excruciating Tuesday, I grabbed Fashionista and we drove to the outlet.
I absolutely love outlet malls. I love feeling like I somehow outsmarted the world and got a great deal. Like this bag. Originally $500, marked down to $349, on sale for $261. But anyway, we get to the outlet and I know the bag is there because I saw it last Christmas. It was also on sale, which put it in my $300 price range. I had originally wanted it in black, but over Christmas saw it in camel and kinda feel in love with that. So I was standing there in the store debating. Fashionista ruled out the camel because it would show flaws, but then I started to lean toward the navy. Long story short, I got the navy and it's amazing and gorgeous and I love it! It makes me feel like I've accomplished something by purchasing it. I may not have a ring, but I also don't have a baby or boy that won't let me buy it either. So there!
On the downside, until you have an expensive bag you never notice how much your bag comes in contact with...
I absolutely love outlet malls. I love feeling like I somehow outsmarted the world and got a great deal. Like this bag. Originally $500, marked down to $349, on sale for $261. But anyway, we get to the outlet and I know the bag is there because I saw it last Christmas. It was also on sale, which put it in my $300 price range. I had originally wanted it in black, but over Christmas saw it in camel and kinda feel in love with that. So I was standing there in the store debating. Fashionista ruled out the camel because it would show flaws, but then I started to lean toward the navy. Long story short, I got the navy and it's amazing and gorgeous and I love it! It makes me feel like I've accomplished something by purchasing it. I may not have a ring, but I also don't have a baby or boy that won't let me buy it either. So there!
On the downside, until you have an expensive bag you never notice how much your bag comes in contact with...
3.08.2009
Maturity...via shoes
So after a hellish weekend at work I rewarded myself with new shoes. I was at Target shopping for swimsuits with Fashionista when she found these beautiful ivory pointed toed pumps from their Merona Collection. And I had JUST been talking about how I needed these exact shoes for Easter and formal ceremonies that are all too fastly approaching. So I buy them, duh.
So I take them home and after an hour realize the bizzarly important implications of my decision. These are like, adult shoes. I almost always buy shoes based on how freaking fabulous they are and how great they make my legs look. So they're usually sexy, or patterned and always atleast 4 inches. These are conservative, white, and 2.5 inches. The only other pair of shoes I've bought in the last four years with a 2.5 inch heel is my Stuart Weitzman's, which are sitting in my closet for my wedding. These are not party heels, unless that party's being hosted by a law firm. These are interview heels, meeting heels, good first impression, Sunday brunch at the estate heels. These are nice heels! Sure, they're still from Target, it's not like I shelled out top dollar for them. But they're more mature than what I usually buy, which is what I wanted. I just didn't realize I was growing up when I got them.
My next pair is gonna be 5 inches and hot pink.
So I take them home and after an hour realize the bizzarly important implications of my decision. These are like, adult shoes. I almost always buy shoes based on how freaking fabulous they are and how great they make my legs look. So they're usually sexy, or patterned and always atleast 4 inches. These are conservative, white, and 2.5 inches. The only other pair of shoes I've bought in the last four years with a 2.5 inch heel is my Stuart Weitzman's, which are sitting in my closet for my wedding. These are not party heels, unless that party's being hosted by a law firm. These are interview heels, meeting heels, good first impression, Sunday brunch at the estate heels. These are nice heels! Sure, they're still from Target, it's not like I shelled out top dollar for them. But they're more mature than what I usually buy, which is what I wanted. I just didn't realize I was growing up when I got them.
My next pair is gonna be 5 inches and hot pink.
3.04.2009
Never complain to a bitter single girl about your love life
Ever since I started college I have had roommates. My first roommate is one of my best friends and I love her to death. But after her I've had a series of roommates, all of which I like and have become friends with, but none fall into the BFF category. There is, of course, Teen Bride, who has since moved on to bigger and better things. Teen Bride and I also lived with Perfect Roommate, who I still live with along with our newest addition, California Blonde. Perfect Roommate really is a sweetie, but she never seems to make a mistake. California Blonde is a lot of fun, but is utterly ridiculous on so many levels. They both bring in men like you wouldn't believe. Perfect Roommate sets the bar high and only dates the hot ones. Blondie's completely flattered by every guy who shows interest, even though every guy on the street shows interest, and gives ever loser a chance.
California has been dating this guy for a while, though not exclusively. He's 11 years older than her and they have absolutely nothing in common. But she's totally enamoured and he's...I don't really know but I think it has something to do with her being 5'8" and blonde. So she totally doesn't know how to handle herself in this, making me her relationship coach. My real advice is to date someone her own age who she actually has something in common with, but I just keep that to myself and talk her through it. So this guy has been in Europe the past few weeks and she spends everyday talking about how much she misses him and blah blah blah. Part of missing him includes buying his cologne and spraying it on his hoodie she has, sleeping in said hoodie every night, calling his phone just to hear his voicemail and driving past his work.
So today she's driving past his work and what does she see? His car in his parking space!!!!! So she calls his phone but he still has his "I'm out of the country" voicemail up. So she comes home and announces to me, "Miss! My heart is broken!" and I'm just looking at her thinking, are you kidding me? And she expects me to explain it somehow or tell her what to do. And I'm like, what do I say...he came home and didn't call you. I'm trying not to be callous but what do I say? I don't know this guy and I don't even think he's a good match for her. I can't imagine acting like this over a guy, much less one I've only been casually dating for a month or so. Her heart is not actually broken so why do I have to listen to it? And you know a good way to heal? Date one of the two dozen boys waiting in line for you. This girl could be married by now if she wanted, she just has to pick one. Not saying she should be, but honestly girl, get a grip. This is not a problem.
California has been dating this guy for a while, though not exclusively. He's 11 years older than her and they have absolutely nothing in common. But she's totally enamoured and he's...I don't really know but I think it has something to do with her being 5'8" and blonde. So she totally doesn't know how to handle herself in this, making me her relationship coach. My real advice is to date someone her own age who she actually has something in common with, but I just keep that to myself and talk her through it. So this guy has been in Europe the past few weeks and she spends everyday talking about how much she misses him and blah blah blah. Part of missing him includes buying his cologne and spraying it on his hoodie she has, sleeping in said hoodie every night, calling his phone just to hear his voicemail and driving past his work.
So today she's driving past his work and what does she see? His car in his parking space!!!!! So she calls his phone but he still has his "I'm out of the country" voicemail up. So she comes home and announces to me, "Miss! My heart is broken!" and I'm just looking at her thinking, are you kidding me? And she expects me to explain it somehow or tell her what to do. And I'm like, what do I say...he came home and didn't call you. I'm trying not to be callous but what do I say? I don't know this guy and I don't even think he's a good match for her. I can't imagine acting like this over a guy, much less one I've only been casually dating for a month or so. Her heart is not actually broken so why do I have to listen to it? And you know a good way to heal? Date one of the two dozen boys waiting in line for you. This girl could be married by now if she wanted, she just has to pick one. Not saying she should be, but honestly girl, get a grip. This is not a problem.
A little hope
So somehow, I found myself on the Tacori website tonight. A terrible habit of mine is whenever I feel down about singledom, I start to look at wedding stuff. My depression over rejection by a boy once led to me finding a dream dress. So I'm staring at engagement rings, and reading love stories and feeling depressed that I've never been giddily happy in love. So I naviagte myself to my lifeline, The Single Mormon Girl's Guide to Life. And there I read:
"Sometimes as a single LDS woman trying to do what is right and trying to stay hopeful that someday, somehow, somewhere, everything you’ve ever wanted and have been taught to want is going to be yours, is a difficult thing to do… especially when the numbers just don’t add up and LOGICALLY things don’t seem good. But, maybe that’s our challenge…to stay hopeful even when the odds seem to be against us and to keep believing and knowing that our Heavenly Father knows who we are and knows what we need and when we need it and that sometime and in some way those who stay faithful and hopeful will be blessed more than we can even imagine."
Reading that made me feel amazing. But I still need new shoes.
"Sometimes as a single LDS woman trying to do what is right and trying to stay hopeful that someday, somehow, somewhere, everything you’ve ever wanted and have been taught to want is going to be yours, is a difficult thing to do… especially when the numbers just don’t add up and LOGICALLY things don’t seem good. But, maybe that’s our challenge…to stay hopeful even when the odds seem to be against us and to keep believing and knowing that our Heavenly Father knows who we are and knows what we need and when we need it and that sometime and in some way those who stay faithful and hopeful will be blessed more than we can even imagine."
Reading that made me feel amazing. But I still need new shoes.
3.03.2009
I need new shoes
So in my last entry, I mentioned the depressing reality of my singledom, that only guys I'm not interested in show interest. I'd joke that I could write a book about this, except it's true. I could write one heck of a depressing book. In my early days (junior high) I would actually date these guys I wasn't interested in until I got squeamish about physical affection or other people finding out. In high school I'd often make out with them but until I got squeamish about actually going on dates with them. And now in my adult years I have graduated to giving them a one date chance before refusing to lead them on to thinking they actually have a chance (although Work Boy's not even getting that). However, no matter what I do, whether it's dump them, cutting off the kissing, ignoring their texts, or flat out saying I'd rather be friends, these boys I am not interested in are rather persistent.
So about a year ago I unwittingly unleashed one of these boys on myself. My ward was hosting a Sadie Hawkins dance, and even though it violated my principles on so many levels, I decided to ask someone. All of my friends were going and I knew if I asked the right guy I would have a great time. And I asked the perfect guy. We weren't close friends, but we had lot of mutual friends, including a lot of my best guy friends. He was fun and polite and bought me flowers. I had a blast.
Then a few weeks later he asked me out on a date. I was a bit hesitant, cause I knew I wasn't interested, but said yes. We went to a great restaurant(point for him) and then went bowling, which he managed to make fun (I generally hate bowling). But it confirmed that I wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. He was cool and funny and I enjoyed his company but there was no physical attraction. The thought of kissing him makes me squim a little bit on the inside. Awesome guy? Yes. Kissable? No. However, our date confirmed the opposite to him.
So the following months I find myself avoiding him, vaguley answering text messages and online inquiries. Which then turned into him ignoring me in public for a while. Eventually he got over his hurt, but not his interest since he will still ask me out from time to time. He just cleverly does it with month long increments of time inbetween or starts out super casually, so saying no always feels like a rude, unnecessary rejection. He's tapped into my psyche well.
Like tonight. He sends me a facebook message inquring into how I'm doing since he hasn't seen me in a while. We chat for a few messages about future plans before he cleverly ends a message with "And speaking of the next step, when are we gonna hang out again!? It has been far too long!" He has me! I will agree because I haven't seen him in a while and enjoy hanging out with him, and then he'll ask me on a date. And I already agreed we need to see each other so I can't say no to the date! And then the cycle will continue.
My dad thinks I need to give him a chance. And maybe I do. Maybe kissing him isn't as icky as it is in my head. But seriously, if the chemistry's not there, it's not there. Friendship is there and I'm happy with that. I don't know what will happen, he may be my dream guy but I'm not interested, I shouldn't have to settle. I don't want to start dating someone just because they're the only person interested. And why can't someone I like ask me out?! Someone I want to kiss for once? Why am I always negated to trying to find some feelings for some guy who really doesn't do it for me. And while this particular guy meets the requirement (religion, education, goals, plans etc), shouldn't there be more than a list of requirements? Why can't I ever speed up the heart of someone who speeds up mine?
On the upside, I might have a date soon.
So about a year ago I unwittingly unleashed one of these boys on myself. My ward was hosting a Sadie Hawkins dance, and even though it violated my principles on so many levels, I decided to ask someone. All of my friends were going and I knew if I asked the right guy I would have a great time. And I asked the perfect guy. We weren't close friends, but we had lot of mutual friends, including a lot of my best guy friends. He was fun and polite and bought me flowers. I had a blast.
Then a few weeks later he asked me out on a date. I was a bit hesitant, cause I knew I wasn't interested, but said yes. We went to a great restaurant(point for him) and then went bowling, which he managed to make fun (I generally hate bowling). But it confirmed that I wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. He was cool and funny and I enjoyed his company but there was no physical attraction. The thought of kissing him makes me squim a little bit on the inside. Awesome guy? Yes. Kissable? No. However, our date confirmed the opposite to him.
So the following months I find myself avoiding him, vaguley answering text messages and online inquiries. Which then turned into him ignoring me in public for a while. Eventually he got over his hurt, but not his interest since he will still ask me out from time to time. He just cleverly does it with month long increments of time inbetween or starts out super casually, so saying no always feels like a rude, unnecessary rejection. He's tapped into my psyche well.
Like tonight. He sends me a facebook message inquring into how I'm doing since he hasn't seen me in a while. We chat for a few messages about future plans before he cleverly ends a message with "And speaking of the next step, when are we gonna hang out again!? It has been far too long!" He has me! I will agree because I haven't seen him in a while and enjoy hanging out with him, and then he'll ask me on a date. And I already agreed we need to see each other so I can't say no to the date! And then the cycle will continue.
My dad thinks I need to give him a chance. And maybe I do. Maybe kissing him isn't as icky as it is in my head. But seriously, if the chemistry's not there, it's not there. Friendship is there and I'm happy with that. I don't know what will happen, he may be my dream guy but I'm not interested, I shouldn't have to settle. I don't want to start dating someone just because they're the only person interested. And why can't someone I like ask me out?! Someone I want to kiss for once? Why am I always negated to trying to find some feelings for some guy who really doesn't do it for me. And while this particular guy meets the requirement (religion, education, goals, plans etc), shouldn't there be more than a list of requirements? Why can't I ever speed up the heart of someone who speeds up mine?
On the upside, I might have a date soon.
2.26.2009
19 Year Old Boys Are Annoying
BIG NEWS: Lauren Conrad has announced the the 5th season of The Hills will be the last! Speidi have announced they are open to another show!
Moving beyond my reality TV obsession (hmm...reasons I might be single number 1) and on to the title of the post. 19 year old boys are annoying.
This may seem like a duh statement but I'm not around too many. We Mormons like to ship them off to grow up and not come back till they're responsible 21 year olds. And yeah, most of the people I know aren't Mormon, but most of the guys I'm close to are. And I missed those pivotal, annoying years.
Enter Work Boy. I've mentioned him before. He's 19 and thinks I'm hot. Which used to be fun and flattering and is now annoying as all get up! Work Boy, obviously, is from work, he's not in school and lives with his parents. So there's obviously a list of reasons I'm not interested. But I used to flirt a lot, cause he's nice and is always getting me things and is fun to talk to. Then one day he gave me his number to text him, so we could "hang out." The chances of us ever actually hanging out are slim, but I texted him anyway.
Then one day at work there was nothing to do, so we just hung out the entire time and I got a little too flirty. And now he really likes me. I'll admit I entertained the idea for a moment, he's cute, but then decided it wasn't worth my time for all the pre-mentioned obvious reasons. So now, despite the obvious reasons, he thinks something might happen and is a text STALKER. And all of the texts are about how I'm hot, and that I like him and then trying to arrange times for us to meet up. There shear magnitude turned him from fun Work Boy to Annoying 19 Year Old over night. SO yes, I'm partially to blame for all this. I encouraged it by flirting in the beginning, but I'm 22 and single, that's what I do! Am I not supposed to flirt with guys ever cause they might read too much into it and never leave me alone? This is the depressing reality of my singledom: only guys I'm not interested in show interest and I kinda like the attention so I encourage it to a degree which then sends them into a frenzy for my love. So far today I've gotten three texts. They read: "Ultra Hott," "Ultra Mega Hott," "Miss is a ultra mega hottie who likes Italian boys named Work Boy."
Seriously? No. I don't.
Moving beyond my reality TV obsession (hmm...reasons I might be single number 1) and on to the title of the post. 19 year old boys are annoying.
This may seem like a duh statement but I'm not around too many. We Mormons like to ship them off to grow up and not come back till they're responsible 21 year olds. And yeah, most of the people I know aren't Mormon, but most of the guys I'm close to are. And I missed those pivotal, annoying years.
Enter Work Boy. I've mentioned him before. He's 19 and thinks I'm hot. Which used to be fun and flattering and is now annoying as all get up! Work Boy, obviously, is from work, he's not in school and lives with his parents. So there's obviously a list of reasons I'm not interested. But I used to flirt a lot, cause he's nice and is always getting me things and is fun to talk to. Then one day he gave me his number to text him, so we could "hang out." The chances of us ever actually hanging out are slim, but I texted him anyway.
Then one day at work there was nothing to do, so we just hung out the entire time and I got a little too flirty. And now he really likes me. I'll admit I entertained the idea for a moment, he's cute, but then decided it wasn't worth my time for all the pre-mentioned obvious reasons. So now, despite the obvious reasons, he thinks something might happen and is a text STALKER. And all of the texts are about how I'm hot, and that I like him and then trying to arrange times for us to meet up. There shear magnitude turned him from fun Work Boy to Annoying 19 Year Old over night. SO yes, I'm partially to blame for all this. I encouraged it by flirting in the beginning, but I'm 22 and single, that's what I do! Am I not supposed to flirt with guys ever cause they might read too much into it and never leave me alone? This is the depressing reality of my singledom: only guys I'm not interested in show interest and I kinda like the attention so I encourage it to a degree which then sends them into a frenzy for my love. So far today I've gotten three texts. They read: "Ultra Hott," "Ultra Mega Hott," "Miss is a ultra mega hottie who likes Italian boys named Work Boy."
Seriously? No. I don't.
2.25.2009
Baby Blues
So an important character in my singledom saga is my ex-roommate, Teen Bride. Teen Bride is two years younger than me and a year below me in school, we met in my singles ward and roomed together for a semester.
When I first met Teen Bride she had never been in anything resembling a relationship and on very few things resembling dates. She didn't care much for her physical appearance and at the tender age of 17, had written off marriage for herself. She just honestly couldn't "see it happening for her." In some ways, her feelings mirror my own. If I'm never dating, how do I hold up hope that one day in the future I'm just going to magically meet someone and live happily ever after.
And then she did.
Canadian Husband was also in our ward, introduced to her by her brother, and was ELEVEN years older than her. They began dating in February, and despite her being as annoying about it as possible, were engaged by the mid-September. That was the semester Teen Bride was living with me, and I spent the majority of that semester a) mothering her cause she was overly emotionally needy and b) planning her reception cause she could really care less. Teen Bride and Canadian Husband were married in December of that year and just recently had Baby January.
This is all completly relevant because Teen Bride is in my institute class this semester, often accompanied by Baby January. And while I'm friendly and play with the baby, I gotta admit it crushes my soul a little bit. I really don't understand how someone so physically and emotionally immature got married before me. I literally took care of this girl for a semester, constantly listening to her emotional issues and telling her she was good enough. And now she has a CHILD.
So to top it all off, today I was talking to her about my plans after school. Most of them involve leaving the area I'm in, partially so I can maybe meet someone. This is the honest to goodness truth, I really don't think I'll get married if I stay where I am. The well is low and I think I've run dry of trully desirable eligible bachelors. But whenever I mention this, I say it as a joke; "Oh yeah, I gotta move so I can get married!" So I make this joke and freaking Teen Bride gives me this sympathetic smile and says, "You shouldn't worry too much, I just know it's gonna happen for you!" This is not the first condenscending, sympathetic remark she's given me and they're all in the same vein. "Oh, I was once like you, not thinking I'd ever marry! But now look at me with my 30 year old husband and baby girl!" Thanks, but I don't need sympathy from a 19 year old! The absolute only thing worse than you feeling bad about your singledom is married people feeling bad about it.
But really it's the baby that kills me. I could honestly go my whole life without being married and really I'd be fine, except I wouldn't get to have my dream wedding. What would devestate me is not being a mother. I LOVE kids. I really do, I want like a billion (7) of them. I'm not saying I'd be a great mother, I have theories and plans but I'm sure I'll struggle. But I just love kids and want a baby so bad it physically hurts to hold Baby January. Teen Bride is really a nice girl and she deserves the happiness she has. But the fact that she has it and it's not even on the forseeable horizon for me is a little hard to swallow.
On less of a pity party note, this is now officially my dream wedding dress:
When I first met Teen Bride she had never been in anything resembling a relationship and on very few things resembling dates. She didn't care much for her physical appearance and at the tender age of 17, had written off marriage for herself. She just honestly couldn't "see it happening for her." In some ways, her feelings mirror my own. If I'm never dating, how do I hold up hope that one day in the future I'm just going to magically meet someone and live happily ever after.
And then she did.
Canadian Husband was also in our ward, introduced to her by her brother, and was ELEVEN years older than her. They began dating in February, and despite her being as annoying about it as possible, were engaged by the mid-September. That was the semester Teen Bride was living with me, and I spent the majority of that semester a) mothering her cause she was overly emotionally needy and b) planning her reception cause she could really care less. Teen Bride and Canadian Husband were married in December of that year and just recently had Baby January.
This is all completly relevant because Teen Bride is in my institute class this semester, often accompanied by Baby January. And while I'm friendly and play with the baby, I gotta admit it crushes my soul a little bit. I really don't understand how someone so physically and emotionally immature got married before me. I literally took care of this girl for a semester, constantly listening to her emotional issues and telling her she was good enough. And now she has a CHILD.
So to top it all off, today I was talking to her about my plans after school. Most of them involve leaving the area I'm in, partially so I can maybe meet someone. This is the honest to goodness truth, I really don't think I'll get married if I stay where I am. The well is low and I think I've run dry of trully desirable eligible bachelors. But whenever I mention this, I say it as a joke; "Oh yeah, I gotta move so I can get married!" So I make this joke and freaking Teen Bride gives me this sympathetic smile and says, "You shouldn't worry too much, I just know it's gonna happen for you!" This is not the first condenscending, sympathetic remark she's given me and they're all in the same vein. "Oh, I was once like you, not thinking I'd ever marry! But now look at me with my 30 year old husband and baby girl!" Thanks, but I don't need sympathy from a 19 year old! The absolute only thing worse than you feeling bad about your singledom is married people feeling bad about it.
But really it's the baby that kills me. I could honestly go my whole life without being married and really I'd be fine, except I wouldn't get to have my dream wedding. What would devestate me is not being a mother. I LOVE kids. I really do, I want like a billion (7) of them. I'm not saying I'd be a great mother, I have theories and plans but I'm sure I'll struggle. But I just love kids and want a baby so bad it physically hurts to hold Baby January. Teen Bride is really a nice girl and she deserves the happiness she has. But the fact that she has it and it's not even on the forseeable horizon for me is a little hard to swallow.
On less of a pity party note, this is now officially my dream wedding dress:
2.24.2009
And it was all yellow
So after years of dressing up, doing my hair, experimenting with make up and spending a small fortune on shoes I have finally found the secret to catching a man's attention.
Nail polish.
For months now my Fashionista BFF has been telling me yellow nail polish is sooooo fabulous. Chanel introduced a yellow polish and then Esse and OPI got one and apparently yellow is the new black. Whatever. I have nothing against nail polish, but maintaining it's not my favorite activity and I was super sceptical of yellow. Yellow shoes? Yes! Yellow nails? Eh...
But then on Single Gals Night (otherwise known as Valentine's Day) I was having a spa night with Fashionista and decided to try out this yellow nail polish. It wasn't bad, cute, and springy. So I kept it. And then the weirdest thing happened. EVERYONE started to notice my nails. And not just the girls. The men!
Guys from church, the boy handing me my Big Mac, my co-workers, my customers at work, other men at work who aren't my co-workers or customers. It was so weird, I felt like everywhere I went some guy was there saying, "I like your yellow nails."
Well, after a week I had to say good bye to my yellow nails. I don't own the color and couldn't keep bothering Fashionista for touch ups. But now my nails look bland without color so I pull out a fuchsia bottle I own, cause pink is fun too.
So this morning I'm home in bed with my girlie ailments when I get a call from the plumber who's here to (finally!) fix my tub. So I'm standing there in my oversized t-shirt and basketball shorts, with no make up and my hair barley in a ponytail, when the plumber looks up and says, "I like your pink nails."
WTF!?!
So you win make up industry. I fold. I will now invest in all the new nail polishes. Starting with yellow.
Nail polish.
For months now my Fashionista BFF has been telling me yellow nail polish is sooooo fabulous. Chanel introduced a yellow polish and then Esse and OPI got one and apparently yellow is the new black. Whatever. I have nothing against nail polish, but maintaining it's not my favorite activity and I was super sceptical of yellow. Yellow shoes? Yes! Yellow nails? Eh...
But then on Single Gals Night (otherwise known as Valentine's Day) I was having a spa night with Fashionista and decided to try out this yellow nail polish. It wasn't bad, cute, and springy. So I kept it. And then the weirdest thing happened. EVERYONE started to notice my nails. And not just the girls. The men!
Guys from church, the boy handing me my Big Mac, my co-workers, my customers at work, other men at work who aren't my co-workers or customers. It was so weird, I felt like everywhere I went some guy was there saying, "I like your yellow nails."
Well, after a week I had to say good bye to my yellow nails. I don't own the color and couldn't keep bothering Fashionista for touch ups. But now my nails look bland without color so I pull out a fuchsia bottle I own, cause pink is fun too.
So this morning I'm home in bed with my girlie ailments when I get a call from the plumber who's here to (finally!) fix my tub. So I'm standing there in my oversized t-shirt and basketball shorts, with no make up and my hair barley in a ponytail, when the plumber looks up and says, "I like your pink nails."
WTF!?!
So you win make up industry. I fold. I will now invest in all the new nail polishes. Starting with yellow.
2.23.2009
Hindsight is 20/20
"no, i don't think you're young. heck i still think i'm 23-24 most of the time. all i have to say is... when i was your age, i traveled a lot, did things i always wanted to do and had a job (job, not career) that allowed me to accomplish those dreams. of course at 28, i'm still playing and working the career thing. but i cherish the times i was 22-25 because i just ENJOYED life. there will always be a time in your life for you to settle down... live it up... i say absolutely. you'll never regret it"
These were the wise words left on my facebook wall by a former unwilling Mormon single. They are meant to fill me with hope and pride I'm sure. However......
This woman is the reason I'm scared of being single. See I remember her years of 22-25 a little different than she does. I remember her barely working full time and spending a lot of time moping around her mother's home. I also remember her being one of the most bitter, angry people I had ever met and she wielded her seminary class as a weapon to punish the youthful and happy. She also implanted in me, and every other girl who knew her, a fear of being single and alone because it would turn you into that. To this day, we'll say to each other I don't really care about being single, I just don't want to end up like Bitter Angry Girl. 2 years ago or so she finally got married, which kind of levitated the fear. It'll happen for everyone eventually.
But yeah, her words were nice. The reality she presented me with during my teenage years is still terrifyingly strong.
These were the wise words left on my facebook wall by a former unwilling Mormon single. They are meant to fill me with hope and pride I'm sure. However......
This woman is the reason I'm scared of being single. See I remember her years of 22-25 a little different than she does. I remember her barely working full time and spending a lot of time moping around her mother's home. I also remember her being one of the most bitter, angry people I had ever met and she wielded her seminary class as a weapon to punish the youthful and happy. She also implanted in me, and every other girl who knew her, a fear of being single and alone because it would turn you into that. To this day, we'll say to each other I don't really care about being single, I just don't want to end up like Bitter Angry Girl. 2 years ago or so she finally got married, which kind of levitated the fear. It'll happen for everyone eventually.
But yeah, her words were nice. The reality she presented me with during my teenage years is still terrifyingly strong.
Lessons from the Shack
So today at work I discovered two upsides to getting older:
1: The 19 year old boy who likes you, still thinks you're hot. In fact, now he probably thinks you're hotter. He will still continue to text you and want to hang out with you outside of work, even though there's no way anything is happening there ever. Sorry Work Boy.
2: You have officially graduated from the creepster guy age range, aka 19-21. Once they find out you're older than that, they don't really care to continue hitting on you because most likely you're too smart to fall for it. The downside to this is if you still look 19-21 (I do) you have to find a way to slip it into conversation.
Something else I learned from work, never date guys from work.
1: The 19 year old boy who likes you, still thinks you're hot. In fact, now he probably thinks you're hotter. He will still continue to text you and want to hang out with you outside of work, even though there's no way anything is happening there ever. Sorry Work Boy.
2: You have officially graduated from the creepster guy age range, aka 19-21. Once they find out you're older than that, they don't really care to continue hitting on you because most likely you're too smart to fall for it. The downside to this is if you still look 19-21 (I do) you have to find a way to slip it into conversation.
Something else I learned from work, never date guys from work.
2.21.2009
22
So today, I expired. I hit the dreaded age of 22 without a husband, boyfriend, or even prospects.
To anyone who's not Mormon, and even to some of my Mormon peers, this seems utterly ridiculous. I'm far from being old and hardly an old maid. And in reality, they're right. But as far as perceptions go, I'm expired.
It comes from the previous generations. Up until the 1970's, good Mormon girls went to BYU, got married within the first two years and then dropped out of school to have babies. By the 80's good Mormon girls still got married in the first two years, but it was acceptable to wait till you had a degree to have babies. Today, you have all four years of college to find a husband and maybe will even work a few years before having babies! But leave college without a man...
Once again it's mostly perceptions. Plenty of girls graduate and start careers before successfully landing the man of their dreams. They didn't actually expire. But the perception's still there and my friends will admit, in whispers, the growing fear that they're own expiration date is coming. Men will always want to marry younger, and freshly returned missionary boys will always want to marry 19 year old (mostly cause their well adjusted 21 year old peers won't have them). Meanwhile I've noticed that the adults at church back home have stopped asking me about boys and if I'm dating and have started asking me about what I plan to do after college and, most excitedly, am I planning on going on a mission?! Cause they know what I know. I've expired.
So in these past years in which I wasted my youth, what was I doing if not catching a man? Hmm, I was being highly successful at an actually prestigious, non-church owned university, which I'll be graduating from, with honors, in May. I was an NCAA division one athlete and have the letter jacket to prove it. I have become more accomplished in my work than I could have dreamed of four years ago. And I have shaped an idea of what I want to accomplish and the woman I want to be in this world.
I would have willingly become the young bride and young housewife. Honestly, I still would. But I'm also fine with expiring. There’s so much I would have missed if I was married at 20. There's so much I will miss if I got married today. So now I'll have to face the world, and dating, as one of the scariest incarnations imaginable: a college educated, smart, ambitious, independent woman. But I think I'm ready for it.
Ready for life after expiration.
To anyone who's not Mormon, and even to some of my Mormon peers, this seems utterly ridiculous. I'm far from being old and hardly an old maid. And in reality, they're right. But as far as perceptions go, I'm expired.
It comes from the previous generations. Up until the 1970's, good Mormon girls went to BYU, got married within the first two years and then dropped out of school to have babies. By the 80's good Mormon girls still got married in the first two years, but it was acceptable to wait till you had a degree to have babies. Today, you have all four years of college to find a husband and maybe will even work a few years before having babies! But leave college without a man...
Once again it's mostly perceptions. Plenty of girls graduate and start careers before successfully landing the man of their dreams. They didn't actually expire. But the perception's still there and my friends will admit, in whispers, the growing fear that they're own expiration date is coming. Men will always want to marry younger, and freshly returned missionary boys will always want to marry 19 year old (mostly cause their well adjusted 21 year old peers won't have them). Meanwhile I've noticed that the adults at church back home have stopped asking me about boys and if I'm dating and have started asking me about what I plan to do after college and, most excitedly, am I planning on going on a mission?! Cause they know what I know. I've expired.
So in these past years in which I wasted my youth, what was I doing if not catching a man? Hmm, I was being highly successful at an actually prestigious, non-church owned university, which I'll be graduating from, with honors, in May. I was an NCAA division one athlete and have the letter jacket to prove it. I have become more accomplished in my work than I could have dreamed of four years ago. And I have shaped an idea of what I want to accomplish and the woman I want to be in this world.
I would have willingly become the young bride and young housewife. Honestly, I still would. But I'm also fine with expiring. There’s so much I would have missed if I was married at 20. There's so much I will miss if I got married today. So now I'll have to face the world, and dating, as one of the scariest incarnations imaginable: a college educated, smart, ambitious, independent woman. But I think I'm ready for it.
Ready for life after expiration.
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